You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
i think my cat just said my name.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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