I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
