so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
