He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
