I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
