I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
