the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
