I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize