I hate all girls vehemently.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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