I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
