how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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