Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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