I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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