She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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