FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
