The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
