It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize