What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
