just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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