I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
