like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
i drank out of a bidet.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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