I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
