fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
