Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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