Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
