My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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