What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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