I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Randomize
