Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
