there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
