wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
