Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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