She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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