He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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