I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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