I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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