She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
