I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
