I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize