I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
