I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
