Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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