Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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