its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
