Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
