I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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