Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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