Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
