i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize