It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Couch. On fire.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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