It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
