It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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