Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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