Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
