i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Can you bring me the toilet please
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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