Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
