Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
