So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
birth control should be required to get into college
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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