I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
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