remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i drank out of a bidet.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize