I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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