I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
